I don't have a coffee table. I don't think I've ever actually seen a 'coffee' table. Maybe in magazines, I've seen them. But in thirty years, my ghoulish digits have yet to feel a coffee table. I have, on many occasions, made use of a vast array of short tables: 'Tables That We Chop Lines On' Tables, 'Bong Resting' Tables, 'Unprotected Sex' Tables, 'More Unprotected Sex' Tables, 'Tables That Hold Beers, Cocktails, And Ashtrays' Tables, and of course, 'Tables For Coke, Grass, Booze, And Ashtrays After The Unprotected Sex' Tables. Never have I made use of a coffee table for just coffee. Why can't we just call them 'short tables'? Oh, Life, with your fucking malignant riddles.
I have balls. They are, well, hairy and shaped like testicles. I can't imagine life without them. My chihuahua, Axel, has balls. They are hairy and shaped like testicles. The problem with his balls, well, I'm told that they are responsible for a wide variety of less than desirable behavior patterns. And, I've seen these patterns, first hand, every time I tread over the upstairs carpet. So, I've had a talk with the little man, and he's losing his balls.
I know very little about medical procedures, protocol, what's appropriate to say to people in wheelchairs, etc. You can imagine my shock when I discovered that once his balls are extracted, I don't have the option to have them jarred and sent home with the dog and I. Why the fuck are we talking about health care in this country? You mean to tell me, that if I have a toe amputated, I can't keep it? It's my fucking toe, isn't it? Sure, I'm a sick motherfucker for wanting my severed toe. Ok, the hospital is worried what I might do with it. Guess what I can't do with it? Walk. Why does the hospital want to keep all of our bits? What the fuck are those sodomites doing with our body parts? More importantly, what the fuck does a veterinarian need my dog's balls for? Go ahead, tell me what a pervert I must be for wanting to keep my dog's detached testicles. Go on. Gross, America, gross. I don't think I want any healthcare, fuck you very much. I don't want you to charge me for anything, I don't want to pay for anything, I don't want healthcare like that for free either. Look, I don't even want to hear about any of it ever again. Call it something else, like 'jello'. Yes, replace all medical terminology with the word 'jello'. Because Allah knows that this motherfucker right here did most certainly not go to war for a country that won't let me keep my pets' body parts in jars on a short table. This is fucking America. Fucking America. We're better than this. Had I known such jackassery and tomfoolery were afoot in my home land, well, I might have asked the recruiter a few more questions.
18 comments:
Don't see why they won't let you keep them, hell in college, we got to take cool stuff home from the lab for Halloween.
On the doggie snip thing...he'll be fine and you'll both feel better. You for not stepping in pee and him for losing pent up sexual frustration.
What I'd like to know is: Why the hell does my spayed female pittie hump other dogs (dominance issue or is she just one butch bitch?)
go figure.
D-- that's dominance at it's finest. One girl humping another. My dog will do it too if she questions who is the main bitch around.
As for you, Ball Lover, I also find it odd that they won't let you keep random body parts. When does he go in?
Also? I have a coffee table that you put your feet up on every time you come over. I do like the term 'short table' better, though.
J, I don't recall setting any coffee on that table.
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=265628&title=tosh.0-book-club-natural-harvest
This made me think of you:)
Tell the doc your kids need the balls for show and tell.
Or that if he plans to keep the balls you are going to have to deduct a organ donor fee out of your final bill.
Or tell him that you served your goddamn country and if you ask for your goddamn dog's balls in a jar you should get your goddamn dogs goddamn balls in a goddamn jar. Best to say this whilst making erratic eye movements and pre-epileptic body twitches.
You can keep your fucking placenta but you can't keep your dogs balls. What's this world coming to?
Fun: fix that link, skankypants. But yeah, I plan on doing just that, eye movements and all.
Cappie: Whole world's gone to hell.
clipped for convenience - now that's the ticket. It won't change the criminal behavior that offends you. Besides, he's just reminding you that his stature doesn't prevent him from doing something you can't. If you don't want him on something - get some bitter apple and use it.
It isn't hard at all to start making money online in the undercover world of [URL=http://www.www.blackhatmoneymaker.com]blackhat money[/URL], Don’t feel silly if you don't know what blackhat is. Blackhat marketing uses alternative or little-understood avenues to produce an income online.
Hey Ghost- I am not sure how it goes exactly, but there is a certain religion/culture that if they have to have a body part cut off or taken out during surgery, the hospitals have to give it to them- A toe, a leg, a boob, balls, whatever.....and then they go home and bury it. It is their beliefs and the hospitals don't have the right to go against that....I remember that shit from nursing ethics class. Thought I would share that with you. I guess you can't really play that one too well for your dogs balls though!!
Its how they make sausage
Ghost has never had a cup of java in his life
I disagree - I think you should totally play the religion card with your dog. Who are they to say your dog can't exercise his religious beliefs? That's just discrimination right there.
Also, I'm impressed by the exciting life lived by your living room table.
Get a colored, accented friend to talk to the doctor for you. That religion shit will be easier to sell that way.
Say something
Say something
My sister and her friend used to be vet techs. There were dog balls chillin' on coke tables at parties ALL the time. I miss 2007.
'tine: I miss your 2007 also. Welcome to my poorly kept rental.
Post a Comment